Now Available on Amazon

So, I dug up some old zip disks and 3.5" diskettes (amazing, I know—what was that technology? My current desktop doesn't even have a firewire port) to see if I could find a more original manuscript for the novel that Devine Destinies published. I'm 12 pages into the copy from 2009 and equally as far into the preview on Amazon. (No, I will not pay $5.99 to read this.) It's insane how much lamer this book has become.

To recap, Dear Author figured out how to get writing and editing jobs in marketing departments at real companies in the suburbs of Chicago. She decided none of these jobs really recognized how special she is. She decided to stay home and be a real writer. When that didn't work, she went back to working in an office. Then she quit again. Then she became completely isolated and completely unemployable—even the agents and publishers who agreed to work with her would break all ties to her work. Somehow, a publisher took her book all the way to Amazon in October. This blog started after I read the book she published through Lulu, which is The Worst Novel Ever. During a December road trip, a question about that book popped into my head (Why did that main character hate the mom?) and reminded me this blog existed.

The Second Worst Novel Ever was supposed to be published by Sunbury Press and then Wandering Sage and now really is available on Amazon through Devine Destinies. It's been three years since my last post. Maybe somebody actually got her to rewrite the story? Um, they changed the husband's name from Josh to Jake and the corporate job from Vanderlynch to Henderson. The main character's trying to sell a screenplay about a wrestler instead of a screenplay about the ghost of Elvis. Someone inserted a bunch of crap every few words. It's the same only worse.

-2009 version-

I nodded. Therese leaned against a nearby desk. Her job at this point was to record my reaction, then go back to her own desk and make all kinds of nasty notes about me. Even if I say nothing.

-2015 version-
I nodded. Therese leaned against a nearby desk, like a pelican posted on a pier waiting for someone to toss her a fresh fish. Her job at this point would be to record my reaction, then go back to her own desk and document wicked and worthless judgments about me. Even if I say nothing.

All the new terminology does is tell us that a) the main character, a writer, is a terrible writer and b) the main character hates herself. Every adjective added is negative and "feeble" and "pathetic." Who says they're going to a salon to get their "dismal blonde highlights" retouched? It's not a self-deprecating humor because first she would have to be aware of herself. Her diary more obnoxious. I want to root for the main character even less than I did before.

If Dear Author took out her thesaurus and added all these jarring phrases to the manuscript before Sunbury got their hands on it and called it "jarring," I don't know why other than she read it somewhere, like a rejection letter.

You can read the first chapter on Amazon by clicking the "Look Inside!" link:
http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Chaos-Twelve-Succeeding-Failure-ebook/dp/B014SA90WQ/ref=sr_1_14?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451757287&sr=1-14&keywords=perfect+chaos

Scenario #4

Ugh. I didn’t take into account what could obviously be happening: I misunderstood the author when she said she “overhauled” the novel about the idiot writer.

_____

From: Author
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2013 2:59 PM
Subject: THE BOOK

Hi

Mostly I got rid of the similes the publisher complained about.  I did manage to rewrite a couple of them, so they’re not completely gone.  But I got rid of most of them.

I thought I did tell you this before.

love,

[Author]

______

Oh, duh! Everyone should reject the editor’s suggestions, get dropped by the publisher, make the changes, and then frantically email the publisher until one receives a second rejection. What no one should ever do is listen to me when I suggest that one ought to focus on the writing, dig deep, think long about the story one wants to tell, and focus on the writing. Dear Author obviously got it right by desperately seeking out her former publisher. But that’s not what I told her...

_______

Hi,

When you said “overhaul,” I thought you had made one really massive change rather than lots of little changes. I thought the change would be something completely from your own head.

But nothing has changed, and you still have unrealistic expectations for the publishing process.

I don’t think you should be trying to publish with Sunbury. If they had good editors, then you would not have been asked to drop “jarring similes.” The character should use jarring similes. If she were a flawless writer, she wouldn’t be writing that journal. She is a bad writer, and so her journal should be kind of bad. It should get better as the story moves along because the longer she stays home to practice writing, the better she should become.

But that would be an overhaul of the book. Your writer should be at home practicing writing. She should not be bellyaching that her “w” key is stuck or that she hasn’t heard from anyone. The same way she is supposed to be becoming a better person because she is getting her thoughts straight. I mean, sitting around complaining, complaining, complaining, and then saying, “Oh, I shouldn’t think that! Thank you, Universe!” is not really a journey to enlightenment.

But those are the things that should have been taken into consideration way back.

To recap: Sunbury is bad. They send newsletters about how overworked they are. They ask for dumb changes. They are bad. Do not beg to work with people who are bad at what they do.

Love,
[Me]


_____________

Dear Author is never going to listen to any of what I’m saying. She will hear that I am not sympathetic and I am not telling her that she has a huge success on her hands. That’s all she wants to hear. But, as I’ve told her many times, she’s not going to make a bajillion dollars publishing one novel. Call me crazy. I refuse to tell her that just to make her feel better after going crazy on a publisher.

Building Suspense

For about two years, our Dear Author has told me very little about what's happening with her novel about the idiotic writer. I'm pretty sure that when her manuscript was picked up in 2011, she was sure her phone would be ringing off the hook, Oprah would resurrect her old show, and Dear Author would be invited to come talk about all the spiritual steps that brought her fame and success. Maybe after Lance's turn, she dreams of the chance to come clean and be loved despite her lies.

If you have read about our Dear Author's tales before, welcome back. Nothing much has happened since your last visit. If you are new, hello. Welcome. To recap, our Dear Author debuted on Lulu, mistaking it for a publishing company akin to Simon & Schuster. I started to dissect why her Lulu venture was the worst novel ever written. Then she pulled it from the market place. She started to shop around a different novel, one about about an impatient, self-absorbed writer who is suppose to discover spirituality. To my surprise, she found a publisher. They planned to release the novel, but not for several months. The plan to edit and release the novel after several months sounded right to me (I mean, I did think the first novel was the worst ever written), but months went by without any word from the editor. As the publication date approached, it seemed less and less likely that there were any plans to have her revise the manuscript. Then one day Dear Author said that they wanted to switch the story to past tense and eliminate all similes. Then they wanted to drop the manuscript altogether. Dear Author was upset, but she had already been shopping around for a new publisher. (You can read about the "bad news" on this post.) She emailed on a Tuesday to say Sunbury dropped her, and then emailed that Friday to say she was working with a new publisher. After some probing questions from me, she came up with the name of her new publisher, Wandering Sage. Okay, great, she had a new publisher. Or did she? Now she is angry that Sunbury has rejected her again. Why?

Honestly, the only brilliant thing here would be if I were writing about myself—if the blogger and Dear Author were the same person. Alas, no. Whatever truth shakes out of this mess, it will not be that thrilling.

Scenario No. 1: Dear Author really did have a new publisher, and just like the previous publisher she had nothing to say about the experience for months. (Everything was "fine" and "FINE!" So I stopped asking.) She was either able to "overhaul" the novel in less than a week, and that is how the new publisher has that version—or they helped her revise it and she's stabbing them in the back by shopping their revisions around.

Scenario No. 2: Dear Author never had a deal with Wandering Sage. It was just a name she pulled out of the air to make me go away. But in the months between then and now, she has been quietly toiling away with revisions. Some miracle has taken place where she has learned that rewriting is the key to good writing!

Scenario No. 3: Dear Author is actually sending harassing emails to Lulu, not Sunbury.

IMPATIENCE

From: Author

Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 3:13 PM
Subject: IMPATIENCE

Hi

I decided to resubmit my novel because I overhauled the book.  I did an extensive revision.  I felt it was worth a try. The new publisher has the new version.  

What bugs me is that this first publisher kept me waiting so long for a rejection.  Why didn't he just reject it right away?  Why did I have to wait another month?  He's a jerk.  

By the way, I saved the copy of his rejection letter, just in cast he tries to sue me after my book is a  huge success.  If he claims he wanted to publish me but I refused to work with him, I'll have his rejection letter to prove he was the one who dumped me.

Am I crazy or what?  I sound like some of the characters on my favorite soap opera.  So full of myself.

love,

[Author]
_________


Um... Yeah. That was the reply I received. I laughed out loud. Is she in on the joke? I don't know. I wanted to write back about how if she had written this kind of self-awareness into her novel about the idiot writer—or better yet, just had this much self-awareness earlier in her career—she might not be in this position. But then I looked back at the paragraph about how the editor is a jerk for not rejecting her within minutes of receiving her email. So instead I sent her questions. I mean, there haven't been enough posts here lately... 

Hi,

What did you change to overhaul your book?

And how did you never mention that all the times that I asked what was going on with the book...?

Love,
[Me]

Not So Fast

Hello,

You seem to be incredibly impatient. Didn't Sunbury tell you to wait a year before resubmitting? It seems like you only waited three months. And you "rewrote" the novel? Even though a different publisher has it?

[This is where I wanted to bring up how she harassed her Hollywood agent to the point that the agent cried mercy and dropped Dear Author as a client. But then I thought that would just be salt in the wound. The ridiculous, ridiculous self-inflicted wound. She's like a some dumb kid drunk-dialing an ex or compulsively checking dating sites to see what else might be out there. But I didn't say any of that. There were only two paragraphs in my reply.]

Sorry things aren't moving fast enough for you.

Love,
[me]

---

From: Author
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2013 3:09 PM
Subject: PUBLISHING NEWS

Hi

Well, I have some big news.  About six or seven weeks ago I wrote to my first publisher.  I told him I rewrote my novel and I asked him to reconsider my submission.  He forced me to complete a book proposal.  I mailed the proposal back to him.  Then I heard nothing from him.  I wrote to him, then his wife, a couple times and asked what was going on.  They never bothered to respond.

Yesterday I decided to send him a new message, since it had a been over a month since the last time I wrote.  Today I got a reply.  He doesn't want to publish my book because it he considers it to be humor and humor doesn't sell well.  

Nice of him to finally let me know what's going on.  Meanwhile, I'm thinking my second publisher should be sending me edits soon, and I will end up getting my book published much faster than if I went back to the first publisher.

This is all my news.  I couldn't tell you about it Sunday, because I had no idea what the first publisher was thinking.  Of course, now I'm hoping the first publisher is very sorry when he says I have a big hit with this book.

Stay happy,

[Author]

Dear Author

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 20, 2012 7:14 PM

Subject: BAD NEWS

Hi

Guess what?  My publisher has decided not to publish my book.  I don't know what I did wrong. I wrote him a note and told him I will allow his editor to change my similes if that will make things better.  But I really don't know what I did wrong.  Maybe he just thinks I'm a bad writer. I don't know.

Now I have to try to find another publisher.  This means I can't count on selling my book and making the money to pay our taxes.  Damn.

Bad news.

love,

[Author]

-----

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 5:04 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi,

I haven't heard anything more from you, but as much as I hope you're not beating yourself up over the fallout of this deal--IF it did end--I also worry that, as your email says, you're "trying to find another publisher." Why? Please stop with the publishers already. That industry is done. It's all about self-publishing and self-promotion now. You need to go back to the email I sent you a year ago (?) about how to establish a presence on the internet. Prospective publishers are going to be looking to see how many friends and followers you have because they want to know what sort of audience you command. So, DO NOT focus on publishers. Start with your manuscript. Then find "friends" and readers. Then get your "friends" to pay you for your writing. Then publishers will pay attention because you've proven there is money to be made. You have to do all the work for the publisher.

So, again, manuscript, "friends," money, publisher. In that order.

Love,

[Blogger]

----

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:35 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi

I am already working with a new publisher.  They are not a self publisher.  They are supposed to send me a contract.  I may get published this way.

I tried to establish a presence on the internet, and it did me no good.  I don't know how I can do this.

Thanks for your advice,

[Author]

----

Before I even receive this email, our dear Author dashes off another...

----

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:50 PM

Subject: MORE STUFF

Hi

I meant to tell you I have more proof the editor I was working with at Sunbury was not too bright. She moved all the periods I had inside my parenthesis to the outside.  This is wrong.  You can check ELEMENTS OF STYLE and you will see I am right. I never said anything about this to her, because I didn't want to upset her or have her try to tell me I'm wrong.

I've been thinking that if I can't find another publisher, I might resubmit my book to Sunbury in a year.  I was thinking of doing this because the last note from the publisher implied they might be willing to look at it again.

Be happy,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 3:06 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

What is it that you're looking for? What does a book deal mean to you?

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 4:14 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi

I'm not sure what your questions mean.  To me a book deal means I will find a publisher who won't charge me anything to get my book published.  He will also help me market the book. 

My new publisher only pays a 20% royalty rate.  My previous publisher would have paid me 35% for any e-books I sold.  This is why if this first book sells well, I plan to find an agent and hope I can sell my second novel to a big time publisher who will pay me a fare rate.

Stay happy,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 29, 2012 11:14 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

My question means what is it that you're looking for? No matter how much evidence is presented to you about the current climate of book publishing, you insist on sending query letters to publishers. It seems to be the only thing you do. You seem to be pounding the pavement in pursuit of accolades. What is it you're looking for?

You have a lot of people in your life who want to help you; we're rooting for you. But none of us can help you if you won't let us.

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:23 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 10:55 AM

Subject: Publishers

Hi,

You seemed anxious to get off the phone on Sunday, so I didn't get to ask you any questions about your conflicting emails...

I thought your last publisher was offering you only 10% royalties on paperbacks sold. What is the 20% for with the new publisher? I mean, 10% of $14.95 is way more than 35% of a 99-cent download. So what does 20% mean?

Who is your new publisher? Which novel did they agree to publish? Is this someone you found when you got annoyed with Sunbury? Is this a whole different novel?

Why would you send Sunbury your manuscript again? Didn't they prove to be lousy at editing and publishing? Do you plan to massively rewrite that manuscript in the next year so that the character is more enlightened by the end, suiting Sunbury's need for self-help and 18th century Age of Reason books?

Best wishes,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:22 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 11:26 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

Which novel is your new publisher producing? Based on the Wandering Sage Publications' site, I can only assume it's your Harry Potter knock-off. I would hope you don't plan to publish [the one about the idiot writer] with Wandering Sage but are still talking about sending it back to Sunbury Press.

Last year, you said, "I sold them my book [about the idiot writer]...  As far as I know, I make 10% off the paperback copies they sell."

I'm starting to notice that the way you write about your publishing deals sounds like you don't care. You refer to everything as "as far as I know" or "I think." It doesn't sound the least bit like you care to make any money. But you also aren't overcome with the art of writing either. It all makes me wonder how much longer you plan to keep doing this if you have no passion for the money or the art. I mean, think of your answer to "What are you after?" Where's the joy?

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 4:19 PM

Subject: QUESTION

Hi

Why are you hoping I didn't send [the one about the idiot writer] to Wandering Sage? Do you know something about this publisher I don't know?  Is there some reason I should tell them to cancel my contract?  As far as I know, they're a good company.

Let me know.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 8:44 AM

Subject: Re: QUESTION

I have no information for you about Wandering Sage.

God bless.

 ---

"God bless" is code here for "please stop trying to write and sell novels."

Can anyone figure out from her emails which book she is publishing with Wandering Sage or why she would send Sunbury Press an unrevised version of [the one about the idiot writer] for a second round of nonsense?

Sad Trombone

Click to hear

The other day I received an email titled "BAD NEWS."

When I forwarded it to my husband, he thought someone had died. No. Not even close.

Months ago I'd had this sudden terrible feeling in my stomach, and I said to him, "Do you really think they'll publish her novel?"

"No," he said. Just flat out, no sugar, n-o. There was no way Sunbury Press would publish the author's novel.

He and I had joked that at some point the publisher would have to realize that the Second Worst Novel ever—the tale of a writer who whines a lot and refuses to make changes—was written in first person because it is our dear Author's story. And we would shout, "Soilent Green is people!" and laugh, but at that moment—that "no"—was without humor.

Months passed. I was extremely skeptical of Sunbury. Why were they putting off sending the author notes? The publication date would be pushed back and still no edits arrived. Was their editing process simply going to be a list of typos she needed to change before they hit "print"? They didn't seem to be allowing any time for a real revision. If they didn't understand how badly the manuscript needed to be revised, what was wrong with them?

When the edits finally arrived, the author was categorically opposed to every last one of them—everything from "move the period to the outside of the parentheses" to "put the names of books insides quotes." The solution to the author's jarring tone was to change everything from present to past tense and remove every simile.

When these "edits" were recounted to me, I imagine that the manuscript was passed from person to person—from editor to assistant to janitor to someone's 7th grader—until they found a willing "editor," all the while never knowing that they could just negate the contract because the author had grown so frustrated with Sunbury's lack of attention that she had been shopping the novel around to other publishers.

After some back and forth over email, Sunbury finally told the author they cannot publish her novel at this time. Somehow this was a surprise. This was "BAD NEWS."

I wasn't sure what to say to the author. I mean, I hadn't told her any of my previous thoughts about the situation (e.g. Your manuscript is lousy; if your publisher doesn't ask for sweeping changes, readers ought to demand their money back; your publisher is a joke...), and it's not like I was rooting against her. I hate the manuscript, but I didn't want them to cancel her book deal.