Building Suspense

For about two years, our Dear Author has told me very little about what's happening with her novel about the idiotic writer. I'm pretty sure that when her manuscript was picked up in 2011, she was sure her phone would be ringing off the hook, Oprah would resurrect her old show, and Dear Author would be invited to come talk about all the spiritual steps that brought her fame and success. Maybe after Lance's turn, she dreams of the chance to come clean and be loved despite her lies.

If you have read about our Dear Author's tales before, welcome back. Nothing much has happened since your last visit. If you are new, hello. Welcome. To recap, our Dear Author debuted on Lulu, mistaking it for a publishing company akin to Simon & Schuster. I started to dissect why her Lulu venture was the worst novel ever written. Then she pulled it from the market place. She started to shop around a different novel, one about about an impatient, self-absorbed writer who is suppose to discover spirituality. To my surprise, she found a publisher. They planned to release the novel, but not for several months. The plan to edit and release the novel after several months sounded right to me (I mean, I did think the first novel was the worst ever written), but months went by without any word from the editor. As the publication date approached, it seemed less and less likely that there were any plans to have her revise the manuscript. Then one day Dear Author said that they wanted to switch the story to past tense and eliminate all similes. Then they wanted to drop the manuscript altogether. Dear Author was upset, but she had already been shopping around for a new publisher. (You can read about the "bad news" on this post.) She emailed on a Tuesday to say Sunbury dropped her, and then emailed that Friday to say she was working with a new publisher. After some probing questions from me, she came up with the name of her new publisher, Wandering Sage. Okay, great, she had a new publisher. Or did she? Now she is angry that Sunbury has rejected her again. Why?

Honestly, the only brilliant thing here would be if I were writing about myself—if the blogger and Dear Author were the same person. Alas, no. Whatever truth shakes out of this mess, it will not be that thrilling.

Scenario No. 1: Dear Author really did have a new publisher, and just like the previous publisher she had nothing to say about the experience for months. (Everything was "fine" and "FINE!" So I stopped asking.) She was either able to "overhaul" the novel in less than a week, and that is how the new publisher has that version—or they helped her revise it and she's stabbing them in the back by shopping their revisions around.

Scenario No. 2: Dear Author never had a deal with Wandering Sage. It was just a name she pulled out of the air to make me go away. But in the months between then and now, she has been quietly toiling away with revisions. Some miracle has taken place where she has learned that rewriting is the key to good writing!

Scenario No. 3: Dear Author is actually sending harassing emails to Lulu, not Sunbury.