Dear Author

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 20, 2012 7:14 PM

Subject: BAD NEWS

Hi

Guess what?  My publisher has decided not to publish my book.  I don't know what I did wrong. I wrote him a note and told him I will allow his editor to change my similes if that will make things better.  But I really don't know what I did wrong.  Maybe he just thinks I'm a bad writer. I don't know.

Now I have to try to find another publisher.  This means I can't count on selling my book and making the money to pay our taxes.  Damn.

Bad news.

love,

[Author]

-----

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 5:04 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi,

I haven't heard anything more from you, but as much as I hope you're not beating yourself up over the fallout of this deal--IF it did end--I also worry that, as your email says, you're "trying to find another publisher." Why? Please stop with the publishers already. That industry is done. It's all about self-publishing and self-promotion now. You need to go back to the email I sent you a year ago (?) about how to establish a presence on the internet. Prospective publishers are going to be looking to see how many friends and followers you have because they want to know what sort of audience you command. So, DO NOT focus on publishers. Start with your manuscript. Then find "friends" and readers. Then get your "friends" to pay you for your writing. Then publishers will pay attention because you've proven there is money to be made. You have to do all the work for the publisher.

So, again, manuscript, "friends," money, publisher. In that order.

Love,

[Blogger]

----

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:35 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi

I am already working with a new publisher.  They are not a self publisher.  They are supposed to send me a contract.  I may get published this way.

I tried to establish a presence on the internet, and it did me no good.  I don't know how I can do this.

Thanks for your advice,

[Author]

----

Before I even receive this email, our dear Author dashes off another...

----

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:50 PM

Subject: MORE STUFF

Hi

I meant to tell you I have more proof the editor I was working with at Sunbury was not too bright. She moved all the periods I had inside my parenthesis to the outside.  This is wrong.  You can check ELEMENTS OF STYLE and you will see I am right. I never said anything about this to her, because I didn't want to upset her or have her try to tell me I'm wrong.

I've been thinking that if I can't find another publisher, I might resubmit my book to Sunbury in a year.  I was thinking of doing this because the last note from the publisher implied they might be willing to look at it again.

Be happy,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 3:06 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

What is it that you're looking for? What does a book deal mean to you?

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 4:14 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi

I'm not sure what your questions mean.  To me a book deal means I will find a publisher who won't charge me anything to get my book published.  He will also help me market the book. 

My new publisher only pays a 20% royalty rate.  My previous publisher would have paid me 35% for any e-books I sold.  This is why if this first book sells well, I plan to find an agent and hope I can sell my second novel to a big time publisher who will pay me a fare rate.

Stay happy,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 29, 2012 11:14 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

My question means what is it that you're looking for? No matter how much evidence is presented to you about the current climate of book publishing, you insist on sending query letters to publishers. It seems to be the only thing you do. You seem to be pounding the pavement in pursuit of accolades. What is it you're looking for?

You have a lot of people in your life who want to help you; we're rooting for you. But none of us can help you if you won't let us.

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:23 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 10:55 AM

Subject: Publishers

Hi,

You seemed anxious to get off the phone on Sunday, so I didn't get to ask you any questions about your conflicting emails...

I thought your last publisher was offering you only 10% royalties on paperbacks sold. What is the 20% for with the new publisher? I mean, 10% of $14.95 is way more than 35% of a 99-cent download. So what does 20% mean?

Who is your new publisher? Which novel did they agree to publish? Is this someone you found when you got annoyed with Sunbury? Is this a whole different novel?

Why would you send Sunbury your manuscript again? Didn't they prove to be lousy at editing and publishing? Do you plan to massively rewrite that manuscript in the next year so that the character is more enlightened by the end, suiting Sunbury's need for self-help and 18th century Age of Reason books?

Best wishes,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:22 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 11:26 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

Which novel is your new publisher producing? Based on the Wandering Sage Publications' site, I can only assume it's your Harry Potter knock-off. I would hope you don't plan to publish [the one about the idiot writer] with Wandering Sage but are still talking about sending it back to Sunbury Press.

Last year, you said, "I sold them my book [about the idiot writer]...  As far as I know, I make 10% off the paperback copies they sell."

I'm starting to notice that the way you write about your publishing deals sounds like you don't care. You refer to everything as "as far as I know" or "I think." It doesn't sound the least bit like you care to make any money. But you also aren't overcome with the art of writing either. It all makes me wonder how much longer you plan to keep doing this if you have no passion for the money or the art. I mean, think of your answer to "What are you after?" Where's the joy?

Love,

[Blogger]

---

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 4:19 PM

Subject: QUESTION

Hi

Why are you hoping I didn't send [the one about the idiot writer] to Wandering Sage? Do you know something about this publisher I don't know?  Is there some reason I should tell them to cancel my contract?  As far as I know, they're a good company.

Let me know.

love,

[Author]

---

From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 8:44 AM

Subject: Re: QUESTION

I have no information for you about Wandering Sage.

God bless.

 ---

"God bless" is code here for "please stop trying to write and sell novels."

Can anyone figure out from her emails which book she is publishing with Wandering Sage or why she would send Sunbury Press an unrevised version of [the one about the idiot writer] for a second round of nonsense?

Sad Trombone

Click to hear

The other day I received an email titled "BAD NEWS."

When I forwarded it to my husband, he thought someone had died. No. Not even close.

Months ago I'd had this sudden terrible feeling in my stomach, and I said to him, "Do you really think they'll publish her novel?"

"No," he said. Just flat out, no sugar, n-o. There was no way Sunbury Press would publish the author's novel.

He and I had joked that at some point the publisher would have to realize that the Second Worst Novel ever—the tale of a writer who whines a lot and refuses to make changes—was written in first person because it is our dear Author's story. And we would shout, "Soilent Green is people!" and laugh, but at that moment—that "no"—was without humor.

Months passed. I was extremely skeptical of Sunbury. Why were they putting off sending the author notes? The publication date would be pushed back and still no edits arrived. Was their editing process simply going to be a list of typos she needed to change before they hit "print"? They didn't seem to be allowing any time for a real revision. If they didn't understand how badly the manuscript needed to be revised, what was wrong with them?

When the edits finally arrived, the author was categorically opposed to every last one of them—everything from "move the period to the outside of the parentheses" to "put the names of books insides quotes." The solution to the author's jarring tone was to change everything from present to past tense and remove every simile.

When these "edits" were recounted to me, I imagine that the manuscript was passed from person to person—from editor to assistant to janitor to someone's 7th grader—until they found a willing "editor," all the while never knowing that they could just negate the contract because the author had grown so frustrated with Sunbury's lack of attention that she had been shopping the novel around to other publishers.

After some back and forth over email, Sunbury finally told the author they cannot publish her novel at this time. Somehow this was a surprise. This was "BAD NEWS."

I wasn't sure what to say to the author. I mean, I hadn't told her any of my previous thoughts about the situation (e.g. Your manuscript is lousy; if your publisher doesn't ask for sweeping changes, readers ought to demand their money back; your publisher is a joke...), and it's not like I was rooting against her. I hate the manuscript, but I didn't want them to cancel her book deal.

A Deal Has Been Struck!

Apparently the author has "sold" the second worst novel ever (see posts labeled "the one about the idiot writer") to Sunbury Press. I was shocked, but maybe they didn't read the whole manuscript yet. That or they believed they could still do something with it. (In which case, they have no idea how opposed the author is to revisions (let alone the sweeping changes to plot and characters that would need to take place).)

Rather than re-open the second worst novel ever, I re-read my posts. I had been trying to remember what it is that just doesn't work about that story--especially now that House of Lies in on TV and completely amazing. The main character of the second worst novel ever does the "afterwork" that the characters in House of Lies are trying to secure. House of Lies is riveting. The second worst novel ever is terribly boring. According to my posts here, it is not simply because the main character whines about every last thing without ever DOING something but because she runs away from her problems (the House of Lies company) too quickly. Does Sunbury Press know that? How far did they get into this story? Did the author do such a terrible job of describing what Project Managers and Partners do that Sunbury Press has no idea what kind of story they could have?

Man. I can't believe she "sold" this story. Isn't that so ridiculously uplifting to anyone with a dream of becoming a successful artist?

What to Do, What to Do

You know I can't resist trying to help you, but you don't want my honest help. I could put forth my best effort to draft a good synopsis for you, but you will toss it aside and say it's no good. Why? Because you didn't write it. Because you only want me to tell you that what you wrote is the best thing I've ever read and you are a fucking genius. But I can't tell you that.

What I want to tell you is that you need to rewrite this novel. This novel, that novel, the screenplay, all of it. It all needs to be seriously rewritten because no one come up with one draft and have it be perfect. No one. And, as I'm sadly learning, especially not you.

The main problem with you writing a comedy is that you are not funny. In that last chapter I read of Susie Essman's book, I learned two things: 1) I'm not wrong in thinking that the main character of the second worst novel ever lacks the passion we want to feel and the details we want to hear when describing why she wants to be a writer and 2) you're just not innately funny. I think I'm four chapters into Essman's book, and she describes how she started out memorizing comedy albums as a small child. Reading it, I was like, Wow, this is what that stupid paragraph in your novel wishes it were. They are two pages you should read and think about and take to heart when rewriting... Oh. You don't rewrite. Not seriously.

If I could, I would send you the first couple paragraphs of a synopsis—to justify the work I did rereading the second worst novel ever for a third time and to get the ball rolling for you. Then I would explain that this story starts to really blow after page 50. Why? There is so much action for the first 25 pages. It is a good fish-out-of-water story with lots of conflict between the main character, Gretta, and the higher-ups at the corporation where she works. The problems mount and... Gretta quits to become a full time screenwriter. Okay, so now our Man v. Man story has just become a Man v. Himself story. And that's fine and all, I guess, because Gretta is supposed to be on a spiritual journey, but there just isn't a lot of conflict in 300 pages of some write bellyaching that her phone hasn't rung in a month. We don't see her do anything. We're reading her diary entries and all she does is obsess about how this agent or that producer is ignoring her. People she's never even talked to! She says she mails out query letters, but there's never a scene where she's struggling with the wording, a scene where she has to wait in line at the post office, a scene where she scours the writer's market for new agents to approach. She doesn't DO anything for 300 pages. She doesn't even write. I mean, sure, we're reading her diary and after I think 200 pages she mentions that she's decided to start a new script, but we really never see her do any work. She's just bellyaching for 300 pages about petty problems.

Where is the humor? Gretta is trying to harness the power of positive thinking to attract millions of dollars and unparalleled fame into her life. Gretta is based on the most negative person ever. Not Eeyore, but definitely not Pollyanna. When Gretta, who is egotistical and judgmental, says her in-laws are vile, we should get to see what that interaction is really like. If her in-laws are based on your in-laws, then the way the scenes would play out is that the in-laws, who are equal parts amused and concerned, would question the sanity of quitting a well-paying job to sell a screenplay. They would innocently ask, "And you're sure this will work?" And Gretta would start foaming at the mouth, working herself into a tizzy about how this is the greatest screenplay ever and so-and-so is going to kill to be a part of it. And the in-laws would laugh. And Gretta would get upset that no one is taking her seriously and cheering her on. As you write it, we don't see any of the actual interactions. Gretta recounts asking her husband why he told his family anything about her writing. Yawn. There is nothing interesting in that conversation. And we don't believe Gretta that her in-laws are vile. And no one can question why, if she were able to succeed in attracting anything in the world, would she choose to be rich rather than cure cancer or save the environment?

The second worst novel ever should be at least a satire about how idiotic The Secret phenomenon was. But it's not even a humorous account of your life.

I have no idea how to tell you that...

A Brief Summary or General Survey of Something

The other day you sent me an unsolicited synopsis. Two actually. Feeling very much in the "Ugh, I seriously have to read this" frame of mind that I'm sure most normal people have when they go to work and attack the slush pile, I feel I gave your old synopsis and your new synopsis a fair read.

The old synopsis starts, "In her first novel," just like the back cover of your other "first" novel. Then it went on for like 89,000 words and I wanted to cry. It was so boring. And strange. You outline what happens to the main character without ever really mentioning any secondary characters or subplots. I had a vague and jumbled picture of the action in my head—and I've read this entire manuscript twice. Luckily, you tossed out that version (except that you emailed it to me) and wrote a new synopsis.

NEWEST SYNOPSIS

[Second Worst Novel Ever] portrays a year in the life of Greta Nueby. Greta is a woman who believes in positive thinking. She writes out a list of resolutions for the new year, including her desire to drink less. She also intends to become a successful screenwriter.

Each chapter of the book represents another month in the life of Greta and is told in both long and short snippets. She wants to be rich, lose weight, and make her husband happy. She quits her job after encountering many problems with her managers and follows the advice of her guru, Lydia. Lydia is convinced Greta can become successful if only she will do things like create a treasure map, meditate, do some visual imaging and other assorted tricks.

Greta’s pals, Andrew and Samantha, are supporting characters. They have their own problems. Andrew is a gay man who can’t find love. Samantha is determined to get her boyfriend to propose to her. Their problems reflect Greta’s own lack of success.

Greta manages to obtain a producer who promises to turn her screenplay into a movie. It looks like success is on the way. After a long summer of no good news and many troubling diary entries, the producer dumps Greta. Now Greta is forced to find another producer and she begins to lose faith in positive thinking.

She faces numerous money problems and plays various games with her credit. Her marriage isn’t going so well. She begins to feel like failure is all she is capable of. Eventually she meets a director who wants to buy her script. Her story ends happily, though she knows positive thinking isn’t for everyone.

I didn't like this one much better. (Apparently I found it more exciting. Or at least that's what I say in the email to you.) I found it less boring and something akin to a school assignment. Again, I didn't feel like you really grasped the story—and this is YOUR story. Shouldn't there be more energy? Don't you want me to be salivating, wondering where those first 50 pages are? I should at least be able to tell that this is a comedy, right?

So, I took the liberty of rewriting your synopsis:

[Second Worst Novel Ever] portrays a year in the life of Greta Neuby, a writer who just wants to be happy. Though she’s never been much of a New Age disciple, Greta uses the advice she gleans from her hairdresser and quits her well-paying corporate job to begin a comical journey of following her True Intention.

While her husband is less than thrilled that Greta will now be thinking positive thoughts full-time to "attract" money, Greta couldn’t be happier. At first. As the months go by and the money begins to run low, Greta finds it harder and harder to believe she can become the successful screenwriter she’s always wanted to be.

When Greta can’t find support at home or in Hollywood, she tries to turn her nay-saying best friends, Samantha and Andrew, into believers. Greta is infectious with her tales of mini-successes and wild antics. Soon everyone is buying expensive new cars and taking chances in romance. But how long can it last?

As Greta begins to run out of tricks to pull with her credit to keep her marriage afloat, she also begins to run out of faith. Does the Universe really want her to be a writer?

I was pretty sure you wouldn't be crazy about the "Does the Universe really want her to be a writer" part because Greta is supposed to be you (minus the whole helpful daughter), but that wasn't your problem.

Hi

The ending you wrote doesn't really tell the ending of the story.  From what I understand, it's important to tell the agent what the ending is.  Here is my new ending, with a slight change.

She faces numerous money problems and plays various games with her credit. Her marriage isn’t going so well. She begins to feel like failure is all she is capable of. Eventually she meets a director who wants to buy her script. Her story ends happily, though she knows positive thinking is positively impossible for all but those with childlike dreams.

Tell me what you think...

Oh, no. You don't think "positive thinking is positively impossible" is really witty, do you? And what are you trying to say about your main character? (Do you have "childlike dreams"?) Who cares if the ending is disclosed—none of what you wrote accurately explains this novel. I think it's incredibly unclear in your synopsis that this is the story of woman who really, really wants to be a make millions of dollars as a writer, so she quits her job, burns through her 401k, compares her work to everything already in theaters, irrationally hates her parents and in-laws, hates children, is wildly envious of everyone else with whom she crosses paths, tries to convert everybody she meets into a positive thinker, suddenly decides she wants to have a baby, and sells her screenplay to a big-time director who knows someone who works with her at TGI Fridays.

You still don't realize I've read this manuscript twice, do you. Yeah, twice. When you first started writing this book, my best friend said there was no way you could do it. And it was true. But the first time I read your "memoir," I was too busy trying to match up reality with your account of reality. The second time, not only was it more obvious to me where you had pulled punches or completely missed your mark, but it was also plain that my friend was right: You can't see what's funny about the whole story. Greta is unlikable and nasty, narcissistic and defensive. While we see that she is an unreliable narrator, you don't. The joke suffers. The most miserable woman in the world is trying to be a ray of positive light. She's going to harness the power of spiritual enlightenment to get rich quick.

It pains me that you are giving this to your writers' group to edit. Seriously? You really want to sell this right now, but you're going to hand it out five pages at a time to a bunch of people who have a common hobby? Maybe I'm all wrong, but these are the same people who have you working on a synopsis. And your synopsis sucks. I guess I should be happy you're going to have anyone at all read it before you give up and send it press on Lulu.