The End is Nigh

Sadly, you plan to come to visit and take back your copy of The Worst Novel Ever. I haven't made the time to relocate my list of things to say about your novel on this blog, but even if I did have it right here next to me right now there isn't much reason anymore to explain to you what all my notes mean. You've moved on. You are looking for other ways to make money off your writing. Before I lose this copy, though, let me at least explain what all these pink Post-It tabs mean (if I can remember).

Tab 1: I have no idea what this one is marking. It's on a page where Angela's narrator voice is bitching about a card she found wherein Miss Nevada congratulates Angela's husband on his marriage but also regrets not being his wife. This sounds good. It isn't. The flames of rage that Angela supposedly feels are only lukewarm to the reader.

Tab 2: "Angela practically choked on her own saliva." For real? That sentence just about sums up how ridiculous the scene is. Angela is still narrating. She has moved in with Bev and invited her son Josh to dinner at the house. Bev's daughter pushes Josh to tell his mom what's on his mind. He says, "She's talking about . . . how we're so fucked up."Angela then "practically" chokes on "her own saliva" because she is so shocked to hear her son use the "f-word." Supposing that this were satire, the next two paragraphs would be perfect.

"Well . . . well . . .," Angela said, unable to keep the needle moving across her brain.

When the doorbell interrupted in jolly fashion a minute later, Madison leaped to her feet, hurrying to see who might be there. Angela, meanwhile, silently fondled her silverware, turning over her knife, her spoon, her fork, then starting with the knife again. She could hear Bev speaking to Josh, but she didn't pay attention to their conversation. For all she knew, they were discussing how Josh really should have run away from home long ago, before he reached this point where he found it so necessary to speak the kind of words Angela had always hoped she would never hear from him.

Absolutely brilliant if this were about a woman who learns what's really important in life—or at least demonstrates it to the readers. But this is not that story.

Tab 3: The first page of the chapter "Love Potions" is flagged. All of a sudden this novel about a woman who irrationally decides to abandon her son and husband takes a bizarre turn into romantic comedy territory when Angela interferes with Bev's love potion ceremony. Again, for real? The woman who is the full-time care giver for her ailing mother has time to brew up crazy potions that really work? It feels even more like Mama, the vegetable, must be pushing 100 and Bev has been doing this for decades rather than days. Then the potion actually works and "Tree Man" starts to throw himself at Angela. And I want to vomit.

Tab 4: Angela recounts her wedding day in the narrator's stream of consciousness. Apparently she finds the energy to deal with all the insanity of brides because she wishes she had had some guidance back when she was getting married. But it all comes off as the novelist recounting her own simple wedding and looking down her nose at people who place too much importance on picking out flowers and purchasing a veil. After three pages of this trip down memory lane, I wonder why Angela wants to be a wedding coordinator when she obviously hates weddings so much.


Tab 5: This seems to be the first of many tabs flagging the extreme violence in this novel. In this particular case, Angela debates how to stop Brandy and Trevor, her "nearly-weds," from killing each other and demolishing her office furniture shortly before the two have passionate make-up sex in front of her. At this point, we're on page 182—about a third of the way through the story—and the way the violence is written sounds out of place, out of character, and rather alarming. But it's really nothing compared to what's coming farther down the road.

Tab 6: A hundred pages later, we're now at the end of the scene you posted online to entice readers to purchase your novel. Is it a scene about Bev and Angela and Mama and Angela's husband and his possible mistress and Josh, the son we all forget about? No. It's not about any of those people—the family in this family drama. No, this is the scene where Brandy and Trevor fight about Brandy's behavior at her bachelorette party.  It's one of the few scenes in which those two characters appear. See previously published posts for more explanation on why I would flag this.

Tab 7: Bev retaliated, swung at Angela, socked her in the jaw.

"Stop it, Bev! Stop being a whore!"

Page 360. The violence and bizarre factor have escalated to new heights. We are reading this from Angela's point of view, which means we will have to read it again from Bev's point of view. The sisters have already gotten into a crazy, brawling fist fight after picking berries one morning somewhere between pages 182 and 360. And we had to read about it twice. And both times it felt strange. These are white women in a supposedly upscale suburban neighborhood. And they're punching each other? Like full-on no-hesitation punching each other in the face. The writing doesn't hide how physical their fights are, but it also doesn't revel in the pain or blood or aftermath of trading punches. So, I don't get it. You want to tell us exactly where these punches land, but it's also like it never happened. Never mind that I thought white women of the suburbs leave each other patronizing and passive-aggressive notes. They make snide remarks. One "forgets" to meet the other for coffee. Shit like that. What are these women doing socking each other in the jaw?

Angela and Bev start their own fight club to try to get their unwelcome aunt to feel so uncomfortable she has to leave the house and abandon the ailing sister she's come to check on. After this particular fight, the aunt packs her bags, calls a cab, and leaves. Angela hugs Bev, and they go on with life like nothing happened. Angela doesn't even need to ice her face. Bev goes on a date.

There is one little nugget in there that gives us some hope that you, the writer, are not completely out of touch with how these sisters might actually behave in the real world: For the longest time Bev stood there staring at Angela, looking like she had plenty on her mind. But then she shrugs her shoulders, tells Angela, "Thank you," and runs off to get ready for her date. And the readers who have made it this far into the book are scratching their heads, wondering if they will have to endure this all a second time from Bev's point of view.

Tab 8: I flagged the first page of the chapter "Pool Party." I clearly remember you being so impressed with the idea of this scorned women sneaking back into her own house to find that her husband has laid out her nightgown on her side of the bed. He sleeps with her nightgown and we are all supposed to be enchanted. I didn't get it back when you originally described it to me, and you said that was because I was too young. As an adult, I think it works even less in the context of the book. But it works for Angela. She is at peace. She drifts off to sleep, spending the whole night in the house where she no longer lives.

The next day Angela becomes a prisoner in this old house of hers, trying not to let the neighbors know she is there and then trying not to let them know she no longer lives there. All the adults from the neighborhood end up in her pool, getting trashed and having a gay old time. One particularly obnoxious character repeatedly snaps plucks her thong bathing suit from between her cheeks. Mostly she is obnoxious because it is so apparent that you wanted us to hate her for being a disgusting bimbo. But I don't really hate her. I hate reading this chapter. I hate that you wrote such a painfully long and ill-conceived chapter.

Tab 9: The last flag is a full-size Post-It. The rest were thin strips I'd cut, but this chapter, "White Trash House," was by far the worst. If Aunt Betty packed her bags and went home on page 360, why am I reading about her again for the first time on page 431. Shoot me. I hate this character. We had plenty of conflict without her, but you're going to make us all read more terribly scripted fights incited by her presence. Meanwhile, we're 60 pages from the end of the entire book and the real problems aren't anywhere near a resolution. You insist on telling this story from two perspectives? Fine. Then at least try to solve some of Angela's problems from the beginning of the book.

Oh my god. I can't even skim this chapter to accurately describe why it is the worst of the worst. But, basically, I have to relive everything that already made me puke earlier in the book. They scream, they fight, they live in some alternate reality. They are completely trashy and don't work to resolve their problems (except to scream and punch each other in the face). Personally, I can't see why Emmett should mend his marriage to Angela or why Mama shouldn't just shrivel up and die from embarrassment. Who would want to know these women?

So, there you go. That's what those Post-It's mean. Soon you'll have your copy back, but it might be another 10 years before you decide to revisit it as a possible money-making venture. By that time I might have located my notes and finished my thesis on why this is the worst novel ever.

All That Violence

Okay, I can't get it out of my head now. I need to write this post about violence that I don't think I ever got around to writing before...

In my previous post, I came to the realization that all this violence is so out of place because these are supposed to be well-to-do white suburban women. They shouldn't be throwing punches. Ever. But that's not really the shocking part. The disturbing part about reading "Bev retaliated, swung at Angela, socked her in the jaw" is how you couldn't write a fight that felt heated, so you resorted to violence. None of the people in any of the fights that take place seem to have any conviction. They are just spewing catchy phrases until someone throws something.

Even though you write the whole story from two perspectives, it's as though you didn't want to look at the screaming matches from each character's point of view. (With the exception of Brandy and Trevor's screaming match. Maybe that's why you use that as your sample? Because it's the only spicy scene where the characters are committed?) In all these fights, we never learn anything and the story doesn't progress. In fact, the sense that we're not going anywhere is exacerbated by the punching and kicking. These people must be so angry (and yet so out of touch with their feelings), so why aren't they DOING something to improve their situations?

I guess, mostly, I'm just disappointed that you took the time to choreograph the fights in your head, playing it over and over in your mind just how the fight would look so you could describe where the punches landed, but you couldn't put yourself emotionally into any the shoes of any of these characters. Did I mention the source material is your own life?

Problem 1: The Divorce

Because I said in the original post that I wanted to help other people if possible, I will address why your novel sucks one point at a time. First up, your plot. Yes, you have a lot of things going on here, but that doesn't make it a rich story. Explaining why your plot is so weak will take several posts.

The story seems like it is supposed to be about a woman who decides to move in with her ailing mother, kooky sister and surly niece after her husband refuses to talk to her about an affair he may or may not be having. The novel opens with the subplot of a mismatched bratty couple for whom the woman is acting as wedding coordinator.

Is this a comedy? With all you boast about on the back cover (another entry here all together), I thought this was supposed to be a drama. I mean, you did file it under "literature," so I'm a bit confused as to why your characters never address the very real problems with which you've presented them.

The first real problem Angela, who may or may not be the main character (it's kind of a weak ensemble cast), faces is that her husband has decided to meet up with another woman. And he doesn't tell her about it. And when she confronts him (kind of), he doesn't want to talk about it.

All of a sudden she's getting a divorce. We learn about the ONE conversation where he doesn't want to talk in a flashback. Forgetting for now that this flashback comes while she's apartment hunting (so she's still living with the guy after that ONE conversation where nothing is said), I have to say that I have no sympathy for your main character whatsoever.

Angela reads a letter that says, "I'll be just as giddy as you," or some nonsense and all of sudden the marriage is over. She's gone snooping through her husband's things, found a letter, reads it out of context, and then does nothing but brood until her husband comes home. Rather than build up what a terrible day that was for Angela—how agonizing that wait is, how much it kills her to think that her husband is even talking to this woman, all the reasons why she hates this mystery woman—we see her day pass quickly and get some lame back story about the other woman. (The title character! Again, an entry for another day...) Her husband comes home at 3 a.m. and she broods and expects him to read her mind. When he doesn't, she decides things are over. Your main character behaves in exactly the way you've always told me I should not. That I should loathe women who expect men to be mind readers. So, maybe it's just me? No, you didn't create a sympathetic main character. This woman should be going to dark and ugly places mentally if she has almost 24 hours to contemplate what her husband is up to and WHY he's doing it.

Yeah, you skipped the why.

Your attempts to keep Angela nice and to create a sympathetic character in the husband, telling us about how Miss Nevada (the other woman) played with his heart in high school, does not help us understand Angela, hate Miss Nevada, or care at all whether or not this marriage will work out. If anything, this event—finding the letter, coming back at 3 a.m. from a trade show that ended at 9 a.m.—only helps us think that this marriage has been dead for quite some time but you, the author, are not going to pull the plug on it. Instead you're going to have them get together in the end. And rather than work really hard to make that happen and be believable, you're just going to make Angela and her husband kind of wishy-washy and seemingly in need of good heart-to-heart.

Oh my God! There are another 450-something pages still left in this book. Now what? Do they ever talk? NO! They don't. Not even on page 494! Other people tell Angela to talk to her husband. (long pause) And that's it? That's all that happens? We don't even know why Angela decided she needed to leave. Why is she leaving? If her husband was unfaithful, why is SHE moving out? Shouldn't she be packing his bags? No, because then she would be DOING something. And your characters don't DO anything. Waiting for your husband to call apologize is not doing anything. We don't even get to experience the anguish of waiting for that phone to ring. We don't get to sit in her office with her and have her get excited that each and every jangle might be the sound of her husband and their relationship coming back to her.

Obviously, this major problem is just a weak plot device to put the two sisters together under one roof. Couldn't you have just had mold growing in the walls of her condo or a neighbor with a construction project she's decided is simply too noisy? Did Angela need to be married at all? No one ever talks to her husband. He'd be really easy to delete from the story.

My suggestion for making your first "problem" better: Either have Angela fly off the handle and very suddenly move into her mother's house (why is she taking the time to apartment hunt?) in a fit of rage that causes her to become incredibly embarrassed—so much so that she remains living at her mother's house to prove that she was right even though she knows she wasn't. Or have Angela be a spinster who suddenly moves in because she can't stand what's happening at her own residence. Some minute problem that demonstrates how vain she is. And if you take the first suggestion, please address the problem of divorce. Who gets the house, the kid, the dog, the car, etc.?

Done

I have finished your novel. I don't think I've ever read an entire novel in one week. But, come on, let's be honest. You didn't really write a novel. The copy I have—the one where Lulu seems to have simply shrunk your Word manuscript to fit the width of its paperback trim size—is 494 pages. However, I think there are only 100 pages of story. I mean, a bulk of the writing is the dialogue. Lots of short lines and hard returns, all double-spaced. Your first main character experiences potentially traumatic events, and then all of a sudden we start reading about the SAME EXACT events again from her younger sister's point of view. You repeat half the content! I've never finished a book and felt like I could quickly outline the entire story. But after reading about everything TWICE, I certainly felt that way about your story.

I went into this thinking Angela, the older sister, was the main character. Why am I reading about anything from her little sister's point of view? I can only surmise from the way you write Angela that you didn't really like her. Rather than scrap her as the main character, you just started retelling the story from Bev's point of view. But if you don't like Angela, how is anyone going to get through all those Angela chapters to get to Bev? And even if they do, Bev isn't really that likable either.

You boast on the back cover that this book will teach readers how to love. Supposing that you had carefully crafted the differences between what Angela sees and what Bev sees and the miscommunication between the two, you could have beautifully illustrated how to open one's heart and love another. But instead you've created a repetitious story about two sisters who are practically the same character. Seriously. This far into your career as a writer? You shouldn't be afraid to throw caution to the wind and start over when something stinks.

There you go. I finished your novel three days ago and my overwhelming reaction to this book is still "I hate the format" and "I hate your main characters."