Scenario #4

Ugh. I didn’t take into account what could obviously be happening: I misunderstood the author when she said she “overhauled” the novel about the idiot writer.

_____

From: Author
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2013 2:59 PM
Subject: THE BOOK

Hi

Mostly I got rid of the similes the publisher complained about.  I did manage to rewrite a couple of them, so they’re not completely gone.  But I got rid of most of them.

I thought I did tell you this before.

love,

[Author]

______

Oh, duh! Everyone should reject the editor’s suggestions, get dropped by the publisher, make the changes, and then frantically email the publisher until one receives a second rejection. What no one should ever do is listen to me when I suggest that one ought to focus on the writing, dig deep, think long about the story one wants to tell, and focus on the writing. Dear Author obviously got it right by desperately seeking out her former publisher. But that’s not what I told her...

_______

Hi,

When you said “overhaul,” I thought you had made one really massive change rather than lots of little changes. I thought the change would be something completely from your own head.

But nothing has changed, and you still have unrealistic expectations for the publishing process.

I don’t think you should be trying to publish with Sunbury. If they had good editors, then you would not have been asked to drop “jarring similes.” The character should use jarring similes. If she were a flawless writer, she wouldn’t be writing that journal. She is a bad writer, and so her journal should be kind of bad. It should get better as the story moves along because the longer she stays home to practice writing, the better she should become.

But that would be an overhaul of the book. Your writer should be at home practicing writing. She should not be bellyaching that her “w” key is stuck or that she hasn’t heard from anyone. The same way she is supposed to be becoming a better person because she is getting her thoughts straight. I mean, sitting around complaining, complaining, complaining, and then saying, “Oh, I shouldn’t think that! Thank you, Universe!” is not really a journey to enlightenment.

But those are the things that should have been taken into consideration way back.

To recap: Sunbury is bad. They send newsletters about how overworked they are. They ask for dumb changes. They are bad. Do not beg to work with people who are bad at what they do.

Love,
[Me]


_____________

Dear Author is never going to listen to any of what I’m saying. She will hear that I am not sympathetic and I am not telling her that she has a huge success on her hands. That’s all she wants to hear. But, as I’ve told her many times, she’s not going to make a bajillion dollars publishing one novel. Call me crazy. I refuse to tell her that just to make her feel better after going crazy on a publisher.

Building Suspense

For about two years, our Dear Author has told me very little about what's happening with her novel about the idiotic writer. I'm pretty sure that when her manuscript was picked up in 2011, she was sure her phone would be ringing off the hook, Oprah would resurrect her old show, and Dear Author would be invited to come talk about all the spiritual steps that brought her fame and success. Maybe after Lance's turn, she dreams of the chance to come clean and be loved despite her lies.

If you have read about our Dear Author's tales before, welcome back. Nothing much has happened since your last visit. If you are new, hello. Welcome. To recap, our Dear Author debuted on Lulu, mistaking it for a publishing company akin to Simon & Schuster. I started to dissect why her Lulu venture was the worst novel ever written. Then she pulled it from the market place. She started to shop around a different novel, one about about an impatient, self-absorbed writer who is suppose to discover spirituality. To my surprise, she found a publisher. They planned to release the novel, but not for several months. The plan to edit and release the novel after several months sounded right to me (I mean, I did think the first novel was the worst ever written), but months went by without any word from the editor. As the publication date approached, it seemed less and less likely that there were any plans to have her revise the manuscript. Then one day Dear Author said that they wanted to switch the story to past tense and eliminate all similes. Then they wanted to drop the manuscript altogether. Dear Author was upset, but she had already been shopping around for a new publisher. (You can read about the "bad news" on this post.) She emailed on a Tuesday to say Sunbury dropped her, and then emailed that Friday to say she was working with a new publisher. After some probing questions from me, she came up with the name of her new publisher, Wandering Sage. Okay, great, she had a new publisher. Or did she? Now she is angry that Sunbury has rejected her again. Why?

Honestly, the only brilliant thing here would be if I were writing about myself—if the blogger and Dear Author were the same person. Alas, no. Whatever truth shakes out of this mess, it will not be that thrilling.

Scenario No. 1: Dear Author really did have a new publisher, and just like the previous publisher she had nothing to say about the experience for months. (Everything was "fine" and "FINE!" So I stopped asking.) She was either able to "overhaul" the novel in less than a week, and that is how the new publisher has that version—or they helped her revise it and she's stabbing them in the back by shopping their revisions around.

Scenario No. 2: Dear Author never had a deal with Wandering Sage. It was just a name she pulled out of the air to make me go away. But in the months between then and now, she has been quietly toiling away with revisions. Some miracle has taken place where she has learned that rewriting is the key to good writing!

Scenario No. 3: Dear Author is actually sending harassing emails to Lulu, not Sunbury.

IMPATIENCE

From: Author

Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 3:13 PM
Subject: IMPATIENCE

Hi

I decided to resubmit my novel because I overhauled the book.  I did an extensive revision.  I felt it was worth a try. The new publisher has the new version.  

What bugs me is that this first publisher kept me waiting so long for a rejection.  Why didn't he just reject it right away?  Why did I have to wait another month?  He's a jerk.  

By the way, I saved the copy of his rejection letter, just in cast he tries to sue me after my book is a  huge success.  If he claims he wanted to publish me but I refused to work with him, I'll have his rejection letter to prove he was the one who dumped me.

Am I crazy or what?  I sound like some of the characters on my favorite soap opera.  So full of myself.

love,

[Author]
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Um... Yeah. That was the reply I received. I laughed out loud. Is she in on the joke? I don't know. I wanted to write back about how if she had written this kind of self-awareness into her novel about the idiot writer—or better yet, just had this much self-awareness earlier in her career—she might not be in this position. But then I looked back at the paragraph about how the editor is a jerk for not rejecting her within minutes of receiving her email. So instead I sent her questions. I mean, there haven't been enough posts here lately... 

Hi,

What did you change to overhaul your book?

And how did you never mention that all the times that I asked what was going on with the book...?

Love,
[Me]

Not So Fast

Hello,

You seem to be incredibly impatient. Didn't Sunbury tell you to wait a year before resubmitting? It seems like you only waited three months. And you "rewrote" the novel? Even though a different publisher has it?

[This is where I wanted to bring up how she harassed her Hollywood agent to the point that the agent cried mercy and dropped Dear Author as a client. But then I thought that would just be salt in the wound. The ridiculous, ridiculous self-inflicted wound. She's like a some dumb kid drunk-dialing an ex or compulsively checking dating sites to see what else might be out there. But I didn't say any of that. There were only two paragraphs in my reply.]

Sorry things aren't moving fast enough for you.

Love,
[me]

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From: Author
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2013 3:09 PM
Subject: PUBLISHING NEWS

Hi

Well, I have some big news.  About six or seven weeks ago I wrote to my first publisher.  I told him I rewrote my novel and I asked him to reconsider my submission.  He forced me to complete a book proposal.  I mailed the proposal back to him.  Then I heard nothing from him.  I wrote to him, then his wife, a couple times and asked what was going on.  They never bothered to respond.

Yesterday I decided to send him a new message, since it had a been over a month since the last time I wrote.  Today I got a reply.  He doesn't want to publish my book because it he considers it to be humor and humor doesn't sell well.  

Nice of him to finally let me know what's going on.  Meanwhile, I'm thinking my second publisher should be sending me edits soon, and I will end up getting my book published much faster than if I went back to the first publisher.

This is all my news.  I couldn't tell you about it Sunday, because I had no idea what the first publisher was thinking.  Of course, now I'm hoping the first publisher is very sorry when he says I have a big hit with this book.

Stay happy,

[Author]