Dear Author

From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 20, 2012 7:14 PM

Subject: BAD NEWS

Hi

Guess what?  My publisher has decided not to publish my book.  I don't know what I did wrong. I wrote him a note and told him I will allow his editor to change my similes if that will make things better.  But I really don't know what I did wrong.  Maybe he just thinks I'm a bad writer. I don't know.

Now I have to try to find another publisher.  This means I can't count on selling my book and making the money to pay our taxes.  Damn.

Bad news.

love,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 5:04 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi,

I haven't heard anything more from you, but as much as I hope you're not beating yourself up over the fallout of this deal--IF it did end--I also worry that, as your email says, you're "trying to find another publisher." Why? Please stop with the publishers already. That industry is done. It's all about self-publishing and self-promotion now. You need to go back to the email I sent you a year ago (?) about how to establish a presence on the internet. Prospective publishers are going to be looking to see how many friends and followers you have because they want to know what sort of audience you command. So, DO NOT focus on publishers. Start with your manuscript. Then find "friends" and readers. Then get your "friends" to pay you for your writing. Then publishers will pay attention because you've proven there is money to be made. You have to do all the work for the publisher.

So, again, manuscript, "friends," money, publisher. In that order.

Love,

[Blogger]

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:35 PM

Subject: Re: BAD NEWS

Hi

I am already working with a new publisher.  They are not a self publisher.  They are supposed to send me a contract.  I may get published this way.

I tried to establish a presence on the internet, and it did me no good.  I don't know how I can do this.

Thanks for your advice,

[Author]

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Before I even receive this email, our dear Author dashes off another...

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Friday August 24, 2012 9:50 PM

Subject: MORE STUFF

Hi

I meant to tell you I have more proof the editor I was working with at Sunbury was not too bright. She moved all the periods I had inside my parenthesis to the outside.  This is wrong.  You can check ELEMENTS OF STYLE and you will see I am right. I never said anything about this to her, because I didn't want to upset her or have her try to tell me I'm wrong.

I've been thinking that if I can't find another publisher, I might resubmit my book to Sunbury in a year.  I was thinking of doing this because the last note from the publisher implied they might be willing to look at it again.

Be happy,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 3:06 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

What is it that you're looking for? What does a book deal mean to you?

Love,

[Blogger]

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 4:14 PM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi

I'm not sure what your questions mean.  To me a book deal means I will find a publisher who won't charge me anything to get my book published.  He will also help me market the book. 

My new publisher only pays a 20% royalty rate.  My previous publisher would have paid me 35% for any e-books I sold.  This is why if this first book sells well, I plan to find an agent and hope I can sell my second novel to a big time publisher who will pay me a fare rate.

Stay happy,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Tuesday, August 29, 2012 11:14 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

My question means what is it that you're looking for? No matter how much evidence is presented to you about the current climate of book publishing, you insist on sending query letters to publishers. It seems to be the only thing you do. You seem to be pounding the pavement in pursuit of accolades. What is it you're looking for?

You have a lot of people in your life who want to help you; we're rooting for you. But none of us can help you if you won't let us.

Love,

[Blogger]

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:23 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 10:55 AM

Subject: Publishers

Hi,

You seemed anxious to get off the phone on Sunday, so I didn't get to ask you any questions about your conflicting emails...

I thought your last publisher was offering you only 10% royalties on paperbacks sold. What is the 20% for with the new publisher? I mean, 10% of $14.95 is way more than 35% of a 99-cent download. So what does 20% mean?

Who is your new publisher? Which novel did they agree to publish? Is this someone you found when you got annoyed with Sunbury? Is this a whole different novel?

Why would you send Sunbury your manuscript again? Didn't they prove to be lousy at editing and publishing? Do you plan to massively rewrite that manuscript in the next year so that the character is more enlightened by the end, suiting Sunbury's need for self-help and 18th century Age of Reason books?

Best wishes,

[Blogger]

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Wednesday, September 5, 2012 4:22 PM

Subject: IN RESPONSE

Hi

My last publisher was willing to pay me 20% for hard copies and 35% for e-books.  I don't know why you think I would only get 10%.  I guess I didn't realize downloads only sell for 99cents.  If you look on Amazon, downloads usually sell for $9.95.

I believe my new publisher is called Wandering Sage. They are from Michigan.  I think.  I'm not sure.  This may not be entirely true. 

I was thinking of sending my novel to Sunbury just to try to get it published.  I mean, the guy made it sound like they might be willing to consider it again.  I figured I'd never find another publisher, but I was wrong.

Hope this answers your questions.

love,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 11:26 AM

Subject: Re: MORE STUFF

Hi,

Which novel is your new publisher producing? Based on the Wandering Sage Publications' site, I can only assume it's your Harry Potter knock-off. I would hope you don't plan to publish [the one about the idiot writer] with Wandering Sage but are still talking about sending it back to Sunbury Press.

Last year, you said, "I sold them my book [about the idiot writer]...  As far as I know, I make 10% off the paperback copies they sell."

I'm starting to notice that the way you write about your publishing deals sounds like you don't care. You refer to everything as "as far as I know" or "I think." It doesn't sound the least bit like you care to make any money. But you also aren't overcome with the art of writing either. It all makes me wonder how much longer you plan to keep doing this if you have no passion for the money or the art. I mean, think of your answer to "What are you after?" Where's the joy?

Love,

[Blogger]

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From: Author

To: Blogger

Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 4:19 PM

Subject: QUESTION

Hi

Why are you hoping I didn't send [the one about the idiot writer] to Wandering Sage? Do you know something about this publisher I don't know?  Is there some reason I should tell them to cancel my contract?  As far as I know, they're a good company.

Let me know.

love,

[Author]

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From: Blogger

To: Author

Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 8:44 AM

Subject: Re: QUESTION

I have no information for you about Wandering Sage.

God bless.

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"God bless" is code here for "please stop trying to write and sell novels."

Can anyone figure out from her emails which book she is publishing with Wandering Sage or why she would send Sunbury Press an unrevised version of [the one about the idiot writer] for a second round of nonsense?

Sad Trombone

Click to hear

The other day I received an email titled "BAD NEWS."

When I forwarded it to my husband, he thought someone had died. No. Not even close.

Months ago I'd had this sudden terrible feeling in my stomach, and I said to him, "Do you really think they'll publish her novel?"

"No," he said. Just flat out, no sugar, n-o. There was no way Sunbury Press would publish the author's novel.

He and I had joked that at some point the publisher would have to realize that the Second Worst Novel ever—the tale of a writer who whines a lot and refuses to make changes—was written in first person because it is our dear Author's story. And we would shout, "Soilent Green is people!" and laugh, but at that moment—that "no"—was without humor.

Months passed. I was extremely skeptical of Sunbury. Why were they putting off sending the author notes? The publication date would be pushed back and still no edits arrived. Was their editing process simply going to be a list of typos she needed to change before they hit "print"? They didn't seem to be allowing any time for a real revision. If they didn't understand how badly the manuscript needed to be revised, what was wrong with them?

When the edits finally arrived, the author was categorically opposed to every last one of them—everything from "move the period to the outside of the parentheses" to "put the names of books insides quotes." The solution to the author's jarring tone was to change everything from present to past tense and remove every simile.

When these "edits" were recounted to me, I imagine that the manuscript was passed from person to person—from editor to assistant to janitor to someone's 7th grader—until they found a willing "editor," all the while never knowing that they could just negate the contract because the author had grown so frustrated with Sunbury's lack of attention that she had been shopping the novel around to other publishers.

After some back and forth over email, Sunbury finally told the author they cannot publish her novel at this time. Somehow this was a surprise. This was "BAD NEWS."

I wasn't sure what to say to the author. I mean, I hadn't told her any of my previous thoughts about the situation (e.g. Your manuscript is lousy; if your publisher doesn't ask for sweeping changes, readers ought to demand their money back; your publisher is a joke...), and it's not like I was rooting against her. I hate the manuscript, but I didn't want them to cancel her book deal.

A Deal Has Been Struck!

Apparently the author has "sold" the second worst novel ever (see posts labeled "the one about the idiot writer") to Sunbury Press. I was shocked, but maybe they didn't read the whole manuscript yet. That or they believed they could still do something with it. (In which case, they have no idea how opposed the author is to revisions (let alone the sweeping changes to plot and characters that would need to take place).)

Rather than re-open the second worst novel ever, I re-read my posts. I had been trying to remember what it is that just doesn't work about that story--especially now that House of Lies in on TV and completely amazing. The main character of the second worst novel ever does the "afterwork" that the characters in House of Lies are trying to secure. House of Lies is riveting. The second worst novel ever is terribly boring. According to my posts here, it is not simply because the main character whines about every last thing without ever DOING something but because she runs away from her problems (the House of Lies company) too quickly. Does Sunbury Press know that? How far did they get into this story? Did the author do such a terrible job of describing what Project Managers and Partners do that Sunbury Press has no idea what kind of story they could have?

Man. I can't believe she "sold" this story. Isn't that so ridiculously uplifting to anyone with a dream of becoming a successful artist?

She's Still At It

Now that her favorite soap opera has officially gone off the air, the author has resolved to write and sell a new novel. Something based on a book that's already been published and turned into a movie. In the meantime, though, she is fielding offers like "If you pay us $20,000, our company will... do something." What on earth is a "publisher" going to do with $20k that is any different than what Lulu did for $350? I will state right now that anyone can go to the bank, ask for cash, and then set it on fire. You do not need a middle man.

Back to the point, I believe that she is still working to find a "real" publisher for her "first" novel—the Worst Novel Ever. Ten minutes ago I decided to pick the book back up (because she has never reclaimed her copy), and couldn't get farther than a page and a half into it. It's so bad. So, here we are again...

Dear Author,

Before approaching publishing companies, you really ought to revise your writing. I don't trust any of the offers you've received thus far because I've read your novel. Who in their right mind is excited to represent this? Within the first 24 lines it's clear that you aren't depicting the story you claim to have written. (I've inserted numbers in order to help save space here...)

From the beginning, Angela knew the Jasper-Teasdale wedding would be one of her worst. They were simply too pretty. (1) The bride and groom, that is. Like, GQ ties the knot with Cosmo. All blond and blue eyed and big through the chest. (2) No doubt these kids never suffered the problems of commoners; zits, bad breath, split ends. (3) And their fingers looked worn to the bone from helping count the family money. (4)

Heir to the Municipal Oil fortune, Brandy Jasper wore a brand new outfit each time she visited Angela's office. (5) Today she dressed in a linen jumper, peach colored, with matching, leather heels. (6) Her hair lay knotted atop her head like a biscuit on a plate (7), several gentle curls bound by a wide, gold barrette. Her flawless look could put a beauty queen to shame. Angela could hardly begin to guess how many hours Brandy might devote to the mirror when her big wedding day finally arrived. (8)

Trevor Teasdale, meanwhile, focused on smelling like a prince. (9) Today it amounted to a combination of oils that reeked of fresh hay mixed with wet towels. While Brandy didn't seem to mind the odor a bit, Angela wanted to crack a window (10) within ten minutes of inviting them to take a seat. Like Brandy, Trevor appeared well dressed, though Angela had seen his Perry Ellis shirt before. (11) He saved his best outfits for his hockey, polo, and tennis games. (12)

(I guess saying I got "a page and a half into it" was an exaggeration.)

1. This narrator is upset that she's getting paid to plan a wedding for a rich, beautiful couple...?
2. Have you seen a cover of either of those magazines in the last 20 years?
3. I don't like your use of punctuation. Why a semicolon? Why are there so many commas in the next paragraph?
4. This is what I'm talking about. Your sarcasm is off. We have no reason to believe you're switching tones from oddly phrased observations to stinging wit. They sound like pretty people with ugly hands.
5. "Municipal Oil" doesn't sound exclusive. "A brand new outfit each time" sounds simply hygienic.
6. I highly doubt Cosmo-incarnate would be wearing something she found in the handbook for good Christian wives.
7.  "A biscuit on a plate"? Seriously?
8. No, seriously? "A biscuit on a plate"? Oh, wait. This is supposed to be referencing your use of "big wedding day." The narrator is in the wedding industry. There is no bigger day.
9. At first read, it sounds like he is sitting in his chair, concentrating very hard on the way he smells.
10. Maybe you ought to show and not tell...
11. This is so wrong on so many levels. The narrator seems to detest the couple for being materialistic, but then turns around and seems insulted that he is wearing a Perry Ellis shirt she's seen before. I'm not sure if the narrator if she's more offended that it's Perry Ellis or just that she's seen it before.
12. "Games"? Within three paragraphs I have enough evidence to conclude that either the narrator or the author is clueless. Possibly both.

Now that you say you have this extra hour a day, Dear Author, to focus on your writing, could you please focus on your writing. It needs your attention.

Thanks.