She's Still At It

Now that her favorite soap opera has officially gone off the air, the author has resolved to write and sell a new novel. Something based on a book that's already been published and turned into a movie. In the meantime, though, she is fielding offers like "If you pay us $20,000, our company will... do something." What on earth is a "publisher" going to do with $20k that is any different than what Lulu did for $350? I will state right now that anyone can go to the bank, ask for cash, and then set it on fire. You do not need a middle man.

Back to the point, I believe that she is still working to find a "real" publisher for her "first" novel—the Worst Novel Ever. Ten minutes ago I decided to pick the book back up (because she has never reclaimed her copy), and couldn't get farther than a page and a half into it. It's so bad. So, here we are again...

Dear Author,

Before approaching publishing companies, you really ought to revise your writing. I don't trust any of the offers you've received thus far because I've read your novel. Who in their right mind is excited to represent this? Within the first 24 lines it's clear that you aren't depicting the story you claim to have written. (I've inserted numbers in order to help save space here...)

From the beginning, Angela knew the Jasper-Teasdale wedding would be one of her worst. They were simply too pretty. (1) The bride and groom, that is. Like, GQ ties the knot with Cosmo. All blond and blue eyed and big through the chest. (2) No doubt these kids never suffered the problems of commoners; zits, bad breath, split ends. (3) And their fingers looked worn to the bone from helping count the family money. (4)

Heir to the Municipal Oil fortune, Brandy Jasper wore a brand new outfit each time she visited Angela's office. (5) Today she dressed in a linen jumper, peach colored, with matching, leather heels. (6) Her hair lay knotted atop her head like a biscuit on a plate (7), several gentle curls bound by a wide, gold barrette. Her flawless look could put a beauty queen to shame. Angela could hardly begin to guess how many hours Brandy might devote to the mirror when her big wedding day finally arrived. (8)

Trevor Teasdale, meanwhile, focused on smelling like a prince. (9) Today it amounted to a combination of oils that reeked of fresh hay mixed with wet towels. While Brandy didn't seem to mind the odor a bit, Angela wanted to crack a window (10) within ten minutes of inviting them to take a seat. Like Brandy, Trevor appeared well dressed, though Angela had seen his Perry Ellis shirt before. (11) He saved his best outfits for his hockey, polo, and tennis games. (12)

(I guess saying I got "a page and a half into it" was an exaggeration.)

1. This narrator is upset that she's getting paid to plan a wedding for a rich, beautiful couple...?
2. Have you seen a cover of either of those magazines in the last 20 years?
3. I don't like your use of punctuation. Why a semicolon? Why are there so many commas in the next paragraph?
4. This is what I'm talking about. Your sarcasm is off. We have no reason to believe you're switching tones from oddly phrased observations to stinging wit. They sound like pretty people with ugly hands.
5. "Municipal Oil" doesn't sound exclusive. "A brand new outfit each time" sounds simply hygienic.
6. I highly doubt Cosmo-incarnate would be wearing something she found in the handbook for good Christian wives.
7.  "A biscuit on a plate"? Seriously?
8. No, seriously? "A biscuit on a plate"? Oh, wait. This is supposed to be referencing your use of "big wedding day." The narrator is in the wedding industry. There is no bigger day.
9. At first read, it sounds like he is sitting in his chair, concentrating very hard on the way he smells.
10. Maybe you ought to show and not tell...
11. This is so wrong on so many levels. The narrator seems to detest the couple for being materialistic, but then turns around and seems insulted that he is wearing a Perry Ellis shirt she's seen before. I'm not sure if the narrator if she's more offended that it's Perry Ellis or just that she's seen it before.
12. "Games"? Within three paragraphs I have enough evidence to conclude that either the narrator or the author is clueless. Possibly both.

Now that you say you have this extra hour a day, Dear Author, to focus on your writing, could you please focus on your writing. It needs your attention.

Thanks.