What to Do, What to Do

You know I can't resist trying to help you, but you don't want my honest help. I could put forth my best effort to draft a good synopsis for you, but you will toss it aside and say it's no good. Why? Because you didn't write it. Because you only want me to tell you that what you wrote is the best thing I've ever read and you are a fucking genius. But I can't tell you that.

What I want to tell you is that you need to rewrite this novel. This novel, that novel, the screenplay, all of it. It all needs to be seriously rewritten because no one come up with one draft and have it be perfect. No one. And, as I'm sadly learning, especially not you.

The main problem with you writing a comedy is that you are not funny. In that last chapter I read of Susie Essman's book, I learned two things: 1) I'm not wrong in thinking that the main character of the second worst novel ever lacks the passion we want to feel and the details we want to hear when describing why she wants to be a writer and 2) you're just not innately funny. I think I'm four chapters into Essman's book, and she describes how she started out memorizing comedy albums as a small child. Reading it, I was like, Wow, this is what that stupid paragraph in your novel wishes it were. They are two pages you should read and think about and take to heart when rewriting... Oh. You don't rewrite. Not seriously.

If I could, I would send you the first couple paragraphs of a synopsis—to justify the work I did rereading the second worst novel ever for a third time and to get the ball rolling for you. Then I would explain that this story starts to really blow after page 50. Why? There is so much action for the first 25 pages. It is a good fish-out-of-water story with lots of conflict between the main character, Gretta, and the higher-ups at the corporation where she works. The problems mount and... Gretta quits to become a full time screenwriter. Okay, so now our Man v. Man story has just become a Man v. Himself story. And that's fine and all, I guess, because Gretta is supposed to be on a spiritual journey, but there just isn't a lot of conflict in 300 pages of some write bellyaching that her phone hasn't rung in a month. We don't see her do anything. We're reading her diary entries and all she does is obsess about how this agent or that producer is ignoring her. People she's never even talked to! She says she mails out query letters, but there's never a scene where she's struggling with the wording, a scene where she has to wait in line at the post office, a scene where she scours the writer's market for new agents to approach. She doesn't DO anything for 300 pages. She doesn't even write. I mean, sure, we're reading her diary and after I think 200 pages she mentions that she's decided to start a new script, but we really never see her do any work. She's just bellyaching for 300 pages about petty problems.

Where is the humor? Gretta is trying to harness the power of positive thinking to attract millions of dollars and unparalleled fame into her life. Gretta is based on the most negative person ever. Not Eeyore, but definitely not Pollyanna. When Gretta, who is egotistical and judgmental, says her in-laws are vile, we should get to see what that interaction is really like. If her in-laws are based on your in-laws, then the way the scenes would play out is that the in-laws, who are equal parts amused and concerned, would question the sanity of quitting a well-paying job to sell a screenplay. They would innocently ask, "And you're sure this will work?" And Gretta would start foaming at the mouth, working herself into a tizzy about how this is the greatest screenplay ever and so-and-so is going to kill to be a part of it. And the in-laws would laugh. And Gretta would get upset that no one is taking her seriously and cheering her on. As you write it, we don't see any of the actual interactions. Gretta recounts asking her husband why he told his family anything about her writing. Yawn. There is nothing interesting in that conversation. And we don't believe Gretta that her in-laws are vile. And no one can question why, if she were able to succeed in attracting anything in the world, would she choose to be rich rather than cure cancer or save the environment?

The second worst novel ever should be at least a satire about how idiotic The Secret phenomenon was. But it's not even a humorous account of your life.

I have no idea how to tell you that...

Turns Out I Was Wrong

So, my synopsis was a terrible synopsis. It was the classic "writer mistakenly attempts to draft the text for the back cover that only a real copy writer handle as opposed to writing the requested synopsis." But at least my piece had heart. I was right about that part. Your synopsis, dear author, lacks emotion. Whoever is reading the unsolicited materials you send will want to feel attached to your characters. If I am reading your synopsis (or your query letter or your... novel) I want to CARE about your characters. I don't care that this is supposedly your first novel. (A statement which by the way makes me judge every word after more harshly.)

Anyway, I only now know for sure that my synopsis was not a synopsis because you emailed me again. (Subject line: MORE SYNOPSIS STUFF)

Hi

I'm still confused.  Do you think I should use the synopsis you wrote instead of using my own new one?  Are you saying my new synopsis isn't good enough yet?  I really need to know.

Today I got a rejection letter for my other novel. This is the only agent that actually asked to read my other novel.  I was very disappointed they said they don't want to represent it.  I had high hopes.

Getting published ain't easy.  Don't let anyone tell you it is.

Tell me what to do,

[Author]

First, gee, after all the success you've had in the past 30 years, I tell everyone I meet, "Being a writer is Eeeeeee-Z!"

Second, omg google "what makes a good synopsis." Don't use quotes. Don't use a question mark. You'll find countless resources. In my three minutes of research, the first site I found referenced a romance writer who then linked to "successful" synopses. Amazing link. I only read half of the first sample and then skipped to the end—but that's how good it was. Too steamy for a quick email session with my infant son two feet away. Go here: charlottedillon.com

Third, enough with the drama. First you're screaming in your subject line and then you're all "Tell me what to do." I'm giving you an opinion (a watered down, sugar-coated opinion) about your synopsis, not instructions for how to administer CPR to someone dying on the kitchen floor.

So now what? Read the advice. Take your time. Do it well. And maybe (seriously) you should rewrite your novel. (Or find a new hobby.)

Oh My God, Just Give It Up Already

Hello, Author. We need to talk. Seriously. You've sent me the two versions of your synopsis for the latest book you are trying to inflict on the world. And they are terrible. (Yes, I will come back and post separately about the horror of a long, boring synopsis later.) But that's not the real problem. Your biggest problem is that you want an agent, but you've never been published.

For countless years now you've toiled away on screenplays and novels, never giving a care to getting another poem or short story published. You couldn't blog to save your life (or sell your other novel). You haven't even written a letter to the editor in two decades. When was the last time you were published? (Not counting Lulu.) Agents and editors want to work with writers who've been published, just as writers want to work with agents and editors who've actually published books. You could have the greatest synopsis in the world, but these people want nothing to do with you because you have no record of playing nice with others.

So what do you now? It's really kind of late to start working on building up credentials, don't you think? There must be something else you could do with all this money you waste on postage. Surely there's another hobby that interests you?

Oops

Somehow we've misplaced our copy of the novel, which makes it hard for me to directly quote it. That also makes it hard for me to write any posts about it. Hence, there again has been a huge lapse in updates about this novel.

Meanwhile, the author claims she is going to bring the manuscript to her writer's group. This summer. Maybe the end of August. It's always helpful to start looking for feedback after you've published.

Describing the Book (The Back Cover)

I realize by now that if someone were to stumble across this blog, she might think that "Problem 1" and so on is a reference to what I think is wrong with your novel. But really, I'm only trying to address the problems you outline in your own description on the back of the book. *sigh* The back of the book is its own calamity.

In this first novel, [author] tells a tender, sensitive tale about a dysfunctional family facing a variety of problems. The biggest problem involves the main characters, sisters Angela and Bev. They are taking care of their elderly, bedridden mother. Angela wants Mama moved to a nursing center. Bev wants her to stay at home where she can care for Mama and pursue a passion for positive thinking. The sisters fight about this problem all the time. Set in the posh town of La Greer Park, Angela works as a wedding coordinator. She has problems with her own marriage, since she suspects her husband has cheated and this is what makes her move in with Mama and Bev. Add to this relationships with teenaged children that don't always please Angela. It's a novel that will be relished by anyone taking care of an elderly parent, as well as anyone facing divorce. It's a timely novel with many twists and turns that force a person to think long and hard about the value of marriage and family. This story is told with a unique voice that will be remembered well after the final page is reached. It's a story that will teach a valuable lesson about love and what we all need to know to be successful at it.

Um... What's this book about?

Is this the description you've been sending to agents? And we're supposed to be surprised you had to self-publish?


Okay, okay. I said I wanted to be able to help someone else avoid the same pitfalls if possible. So, here we go... The first sentence is ridiculous. Not only because you use "tender, sensitive tale" like this is a parody of a back cover, but also because you seem to have so little grasp on what this story is about that you simply say they are "facing a variety of problems."


The next sentence—"The biggest problem involves the main characters..."—sounds like it was taken from a third grade book report.


At this point, it should be clear that the entire description needs to be rewritten. You are trying to sell this book. Rather than tell us you are a masterful writer, write a real summary in that unique voice you claim to have. If you want sentences that rave about who will relish this story and how memorable your writing is, then find a reviewer.


Oh my god. Does it actually say "many twists and turns"? That's false advertising.


Before you posted this description online, before I received my copy, I knew this book was going to be outdated. It annoys me to no end that you claim this is a "timely" novel.


"It's a timely novel with many twists and turns that force a person to think long and hard about the value of marriage and family."


I don't want to think long and hard about a novel I'm reading for entertainment purposes. I know you filed this under literature, but have I mentioned it reads like an un-funny comedy? Your characters face real problems that they choose to not deal with. THEY don't even think long and hard about the values of marriage and family. You need to go back to the drawing board with this story before you can sell it.


For the sake of trying to be helpful, I think the description (and I'm blogging, so this should be a terrible rewrite, too) should read more like...

As a wedding coordinator, Angela refuses to guarantee happily-ever-afters. She will get you the wedding day of your dreams, but the rest is out of her hands. When she discovers a letter from her husband's high school crush alluding to their secret reunion, though, Angela has to figure out how to make that happily-ever-after happen for herself.

Bev wants to be happy. But as the stresses mount from being a single mom to her teenage daughter and a full time caregiver to her vegetative mother, she needs more than positive thoughts to see her through the day.

It seems neither Angela nor Bev will get what she wants when Angela moves in. The sisters fight about everything. Whether Mama should be in a nursing home, how Angela should handle her marital problems, and how to deal with their teenage children. Can they resolve their differences before...

Yeah. That's about as far as I can get. Your story is lacking past the set up. Hence, this blog.