Okay, I can't get it out of my head now. I need to write this post about violence that I don't think I ever got around to writing before...In my previous post, I came to the realization that all this violence is so out of place because these are supposed to be well-to-do white suburban women. They shouldn't be throwing punches. Ever. But that's not really the shocking part. The disturbing part about reading "Bev retaliated, swung at Angela, socked her in the jaw" is how you couldn't write a fight that felt heated, so you resorted to violence. None of the people in any of the fights that take place seem to have any conviction. They are just spewing catchy phrases until someone throws something.
Even though you write the whole story from two perspectives, it's as though you didn't want to look at the screaming matches from each character's point of view. (With the exception of Brandy and Trevor's screaming match. Maybe that's why you use that as your sample? Because it's the only spicy scene where the characters are committed?) In all these fights, we never learn anything and the story doesn't progress. In fact, the sense that we're not going anywhere is exacerbated by the punching and kicking. These people must be so angry (and yet so out of touch with their feelings), so why aren't they DOING something to improve their situations?
I guess, mostly, I'm just disappointed that you took the time to choreograph the fights in your head, playing it over and over in your mind just how the fight would look so you could describe where the punches landed, but you couldn't put yourself emotionally into any the shoes of any of these characters. Did I mention the source material is your own life?
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